Start Off the Day With a Smile

A friend of mine was a very frugal man. His wife asked him for thirty dollars for a mud pack at the salon, he tossed some mud on her face from the yard and said, See I just saved us some money.” She asked for a massage at the therapist, and he punched her back for an hour and said, “See, I just saved us fifty dollars.” She wanted to go out to lunch with the girls, and he packed sandwiches and said, See, that would have cost at least twenty dollars.” Well, this went on for ten years. One day the husband walks in the door and his wife shoots him dead. She thought to herself, “Well, I just saved us five grand on a hit man.”

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino? Ellifino

A man calls home and the maid answers. He asks the maid if the lady of the house is up in the bedroom with a man. The maid says she is. He then instructs her to take the gun from the desk and go to the bedroom and shoot the both of them and he will give her a million dollars. He listens as he hears two shots fired. The maid gets back on the phone and says, “Thanks Maria.” The maid says, “oh no, not Maria, this is Kelly.” The man says, “Is this 555 2507?”

What do you get when you saute frogs in eggs and fry them up? French toads.

The seven dwarfs were waiting on line to see the Pope. They finally get to the front and Sleazy asks his holiness, if Nuns were allowed to date and he told him no. Then Doc asked him the same question and again the Pope said no, they were not allowed to date. Then Sleepy woke up long enough to ask the same question and now the Pope was getting angry and yelled, “NO!!!NUNS ARE NOT ALLOWED TO DATE.” The six dwarfs turned to Dopey and said, “See, we were right she was a penguin.”

Why did the crows sit on the telephone wire? They wanted to make a long distance caw.

Knock, knock, Whose There, Ayatollah. Ayatollah who? Ayatollah you once, Ayatollah you twice.

The Italians

In a quiet neighborhood their is a two family home, the landlord lives on the first and Guido and Lynn, a married couple rent the second floor out. Everyday it is the same thing. The yelling and screaming, dishes breaking, glasses being thrown across the room, and more screaming. The landlord finally says he has had enough so he calls the cops. The cops arrive and listen for a moment or two listening to all the yelling and glassware being thrown around the room so they knock on the door. Guido Guini answers and lets the officers in. The cops ask if they had a problem and Guido says, "Nope." The cops ask, "Then why all the screaming?" Guido thinks for a moment and says, "Oh, that, were not yelling we are Italian, that's how we talk." The cops then ask "Then what about all the glass flying around the room?" Guido's wife, Lynn, Lynn Guini, says, "Oh, you caught us at supper time."

I hope this group of jokes made you smile. I wrote them just for you to thank you for reading my stuff.